Top 10 Metal Holiday Gifts 2007

I don't support the mass consumerist farce that is holiday gift-giving. But if you absolutely must part with your money, you might as well support metal. Some of the better merch I've seen isn't available any more, like Nunslaughter slipmats and Cannibal Corpse's red thong for The Bleeding. But you can slap a metal logo on basically anything - e.g., Metallica-branded auto floor mats, window shades, mouse pads, bar stools, and light switch covers. Ugh. And it utterly depresses me that Job for a Cowboy has a back patch. If you have a metalhead loved one, consider these not-so-necro stocking stuffers.

Judas Priest skate deck

One of the best album covers ever writ large. If I ever get rich, I'm going to mount this fucker on the wall in my house, and my significant other will just have to deal. Available here.

Ozzy Osbourne holy water

Sharon truly has no shame. At $9.95 a pop, you don't have to go to Ozzfest to get overpriced drinking water. Available here.

Iron Maiden glowsticks

Coming soon - Iron Maiden pacifiers and fat pants. Available here.

George Lynch sculpture

I never got the whole rock action figure thing. Unlike GI Joes or He-Man figures, there's usually no real "action" available. Like, great, now I have a 3-D diorama of the Master of Puppets cover sitting on my table. But Knucklebonz has some admittedly nifty sculptures of rock gods, including AC/DC, Rob Halford, and Zakk Wylde (whose sculpture looks like the friggin' Wolf Man). They have an awesome one of Keith Emerson (?!) looking like an astronaut standing at a ridiculously huge analog synth. My favorite, though, is the one of George Lynch...because it's George Lynch. Available here.

Kings of Black Metal 2008 calendar

OK, something that's actually useful. Why aren't there more (non-mallcore) metal calendars??? Heretic Designs has put together a black metal calendar for 2008 featuring photos of Taake, Carpathian Forest, 1349, Immortal, Gorgoroth, Marduk, Mayhem, and more. Check out Heretic's site for more sample photos. Available here.

Metal Babies clothing

This has gotten press before, but it deserves further mention, as people won't stop having babies. If you must breed, at least outfit the little guy/gal in style. Metal Babies has tons of great toddler tees and onesies, including "The Art of Crying" and "For Those About to Walk." My favorite is Dio's "Unholy Diaper." Available here.

AB/CD baby tee

In the same vein as Metal Babies, for your little "Problem Child." Throw the goat, stay warm, and promote literacy! Available here.

Confessor soap

Many thanks to Ian Christe at Bang! Bang! for first posting on this. Homemade soap from Confessor, comes in "Somber Spice" flavor for guys and "Lonesome Lavender" (pictured here) for girls. As one of Christe's commenters said, "No life 'til lather." Available here.

Slayer scented candles

In the same smelly vein. Kind of romantic, I guess. Ominously, the shop doesn't specify what the scent is. Available here.

Six Feet Under bobble head

I don't know what possessed Metal Blade to make a bobble head figure for Six Feet Under's Chris Barnes. Many other Metal Blade candidates come to mind first - King Diamond, Amon Amarth's Johan Hegg, The Red Chord's Guy Kozowyk, Hate Eternal's Erik Rutan, Cannibal Corpse's George "Corpsegrinder" Fisher (the latter two especially because of their headbanging prowess). But I'm all for it. Six Feet Under is one of those undefendable bands that I'll always defend (note to self: make Top 10 list of such). Available here.