Metal dance remixes
 |
The music at my gym is mostly horrible Hi-NRG dance fare. I have made multiple complaints, to little avail. As a result, I have probably been subjected to more dance versions of pop songs than any other human alive, including "Total Eclipse of the Heart," Johnny Cash's "Ring of Fire," Skee-Lo's "I Wish," Extreme's "More Than Words," and Celine Dion's song from The Titanic. Screw waterboarding and Deicide - as torture, this stuff would be infinitely more effective.
Poison (Alice Cooper)Poison (Groove Coverage)
Nothing, however, could have prepared me for the most surreal remix of all (by a German group called Groove Coverage (a name which doesn't even make sense - it sounds like a football defensive scheme)). The moment is firmly etched in my mind. I was on the stair machine. Second one from the left. Doing the stairs. Doing the stairs. Over the speakers I hear, "Your cruel...device...your blood...like ice..." NOOOOOOOOOOOO. No effing way. Alice Cooper got a dance remix??? I nearly fell off the stair machine.
 |
Even worse is the dance version of Ozzy Osbourne's "Crazy Train," by Gyr-8 Productions (yet another terrible name). Whenever I hear those arpeggiated synths at 0:19, a small part of me dies. Incredibly, this remix gets even worse. First come some "Macarena" synths. Then it goes into two different Italo house piano themes, dragging Randy Rhoads' riff along like a vestigial appendage. It's truly repulsive - which is why I can't stop listening to it. Goddamn, does it make me laugh. I can't see anyone ever dancing to it or even listening to it seriously. Maybe it's showed up in an aerobics class or two.
Crazy Train (Ozzy Osbourne)Crazy Train (Gyr-8 Productions)
Labels: ambient/electronic, clee, hair metal, heavy metal, uk, usa
10 Comments:
Dude, that is SO WEIRD, 'cause I was just revisiting the brilliance of Skee-Lo's "I Wish" over the weekend for the first time in a fucking decade, at least, ha, ha... Amazing.
The gym I go to plays fucking "My way" and "Aquarius" all the time. WHEN THE MOON IS IN THE SEVENTH HOUSE!!!
Other than that, the "Poison" original is a perfect example of something I've never understood; why did the eighties and first half of the nineties bring on this fucking over-reverbed snare sound that fades to nothing a SPLIT NANOSECOND too early? Are we supposed to not notice it's consistently slightly off and more triggered than anything Morrissound could clobber together in a thousand motherfucking years? I don't get it.
Incidentally the Groove Coverage version is FUCKING INCREDIBLE. It's got bits that's not even in the original, no? Even though they trimmed it by a good minute and a half? This is art, people. However: anyone who knows anything knows the best song on that record was "Only my heart talkin'" by a far fucking longshot, that's for sure.
I have no idea what to think about the "Crazy train" cover, what the hell. That song has always been annoying and overproduced to high heavens into pretty much unlistenable territory. That record has three good songs and none of them have "crazy" or "train" in the title.
That's what you get for exercising.
I see that I am too late and that PDF has already won the thread.
Even so, I actually like the Groove Coverage track, even though it's not quite manic enough to get the Para Para crowd moving in 2001-era Roppongi. I think it needs some squealin' licks. And to be considerably faster. I've always had a weak spot for Eurobeat, though.
The Gyr-8 track, though... man, that's got endless possibilities for entertainment. I've been tormenting my coworkers by Trainrolling them all morning, and I intend to keep doing so to random friends all afternoon. So stomach-churning!
hah, this might be more enjoyable than the overplayed "Apologize" song.
svein, I kind of like that gated snare. It sounds so bad, but you instantly know where you are: THE '80S. And I dunno, Blizzard of Ozz seems pretty solid to me.
forrest, the thought disturbs me, but I think the reason the track seems slow is b/c it was meant to be pitched up by DJ's in clubs.
jess, I think I've heard some remix of "Apologize" at my gym also. I'm not sure, though. This stuff all blends together after a while.
Awesome, I'm playing one of these on my radio show next week! That oughta generate some phone calls!
I deliberately wear the most overt, Satanic t-shirts that I have to the gym while that puerile shit is playing.
Music can definitely kill a workout. I remember trying to bench to the Beatles once. Brutal.
Holy shit, I can't stop listening to that version of "Poison." It sounds like every song on the mix CD my pal Jon made for himself to get psyched for a Saturday night of cruising at the gay club.
Post a Comment
<< Home